Winter Paradox
by Pepper Dine
Summary: A short story focusing mainly on Saito. Okita ponders about Saito's and Hijikata's relationship. What are Saito's true colors? Does the perfect man behind the icy mask harbor any vulnerabillities? Incl: assassination, crime, and friendship: Not Yaoi
1. Chapter 1

This is my first fan-fiction piece. The only reason I chose the Shinsengumi is because they're awesome and I'll always be obsessed with them. Of course, none of these belong to me (sigh). I hope you like it ^_^

**WINTER PARADOX**

Chapter 1: Wishful Thinking

"It's snowing already?" Okita Souji leaned upon his katana as he watched winter's first snowfall whitewash the inner courtyard. "It came too early – see? The blossoms are still in bloom," and he turned to his companion as he spoke, only to find him fast asleep in the corner of the room.

"Ara? Hajime-kun?" He crawled on his knees to get a closer look, but just as he was about to, the _kami_-door slid open and Chizuru peered inside.

"_Ohaiyo_, Chizuru," Okita smiled.

"Okita –san, you're awake?" After what happened at Ikedaya, she had expected to see him in bed still.

"_I_ am, but he's not-"

Chizuru followed his slender finger to see Hajime Saito fast asleep leaning against the wall. "He's asleep?" Chizuru found it hard to believe that someone so strong seemed so vulnerable in his sleep. With his bellowing _haori _lying neatly folded by his side and hair carelessly sliding over his slim shoulders, Saito didn't resemble the cold, cool figure Chizuru was used to seeing.

Okita chuckled. "You sound so surprised…Of course, he needs sleep. Hajime-kun is only human, but Hijitaka-san rides him hard."

"Huh? Hijikata-san?"

"So, so…Don't you think Hajime-kun looks tired lately?"

"Now that Okita-san mentions it, he does seem more withdrawn than usual."

Okita smiled, a twinkle in his emerald eyes. "And him sleeping like this, unguarded and disheveled, is proof. He's not one to show anyone his weakness."

"Yes, you're right," Chizuru slowly replied. "It does seem strange, but what is Hijitaka-san making him do that's so tiring?"

"Mm? Oh, this and that…" He glanced out the window and saw a familiar form. Turning to Chizuru, he casually dropped, "I'm not too sure myself, but you can ask Hijikata-san."

"A-ask him?" The mere thought of confronting the vice-commander made her blush.

Okita, whose sharp eyes didn't miss a single beat, smirked in his usual way. "No need to be scared, Chizuru. I can tell he has a soft spot for you. Try asking him, won't you? For my curiosity's sake if not yours."

"But if Okita-san is so anxious, why can't he ask himself?"

Okita laughed. "It's not something Hijikata-san will share with anyone, especially us I'm sure."

"And why is that?"

"Because, if I find out the truth, I won't stop teasing him."

Chizuru had no idea what he was talking about. She could never quite handle Okita's style of conversation. He always led her down one path and she always ended up on another without somehow knowing how she got there.

A moan suddenly diverted their attention. Saito stirred and slowly opened his eyes.

"Saito-san, are you awake?"

Saito only blinked. He glanced at Souji who eyed him with a lopsided smirk painted on his almond face. He wondered what mischief he was weaving this time.

"_Hoyah_, Hajime-kun, did you have a good rest?"

Saito, who couldn't be bothered with Okita's habitual teasing, busied himself arranging his clothes.

"Saito-san, Okita-san says Hijikata-san has been – how did you put it? – has been riding you hard, was it?" Saito's hand, half-way through brushing his silken hair, froze. "I hope it hasn't been too hard on you – doing this and that. Ne, what is it that Hijikata-san is making yo-"

But upon seeing the half-perplexed, half-perturbed expression on Saito's otherwise placid face, Chizuru swallowed her words.

"Saito-san? Are you alright?" she pressed when Saito remained frozen as a statue.

"Ah." He diverted her eyes and caught Souji's, laughing at him quietly. "Do you have something to say?" he asked, bluntly.

Okita, who guessed that Saito was testing how much he knew, was careful not to let on too much. He wanted to stay on good terms with Saito, seeing as they were both on par in combat. "_Sa_…We were only wondering what could Hijitaka-san possibly be doing to make you so tired, that's all. If you don't want to answer, of course we understand. I mean, if it's _that _kind of _training, or job, or-"_

"It's not!" Saito suddenly cried, and Chizuru jumped. "I-it's not what you're thinking at all!"

"Saito-san." Chizuru marveled at how rosy his cheeks were. What was he so embarrassed about?

Okita chuckled. "Now, now, I was only teasing, _teasing, _see? But, I never thought you could get so riled about anything. You're always so calm. I didn't hit a sensitive-"

Saito glared at him and Okita let his words drop.

He watched Saito gather his _haori _and katana, and leave the room in silence.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: In the Courtyard

If Okita hurt Saito's pride with his playful words, he didn't mean to. Because of his practical personality, Saito never could handle jokes, not that there was much to tease him about. He was perfect in more ways than one. It was no wonder Hijitaka Toushirou placed so much trust in him. Whenever there were traitors to take care of, it was Saitou who was summoned. No other Shinsengumi could be trusted to carry the job without showing mercy.

When he first came to the Shinsengumi, Okita remembered seeing the cold, mirthless young man with hollow sapphire eyes. Even then he hardly left Hijikata's side. Saito's first duty had been to serve Toushirou, after which he rose quickly in the ranks because of his deadly combat and sharp wit. No one could analyze a situation better than he, and it seemed Hijikata needed someone of his cool caliber to keep his flaring temper in check.

"So-u-ji-kun, what are you so deep in thought over?"

Okita greeted Sanno as he took a seat beside him on the porch.

"You're done patrolling?"

"Just finished," Sanno grinned. "_Ne_, what's the matter? I've never seen you so absorbed that you don't sense another's presence."

Okita sighed. "I was just thinking…Hijikata-san and Hajime-kun seem very close. It's an unusual paring, don't you think?"

Sanno laughed. "Is that all? It's nothing to get so worked up over."

"But, they sure are odd, aren't they? I never thought Hijikata-san needed to rely on someone so much."

Sanno wondered if Okita wasn't just jealous as he answered, "Hijikata-san was the first person Saito trusted. You know how he is. He doesn't let anyone in and keeps his emotions in an iron cage, but around Hijikata-san he's different. _Ma, _I suppose it's only because he admires him the most, but Hijikata-san does have a way with Saito."

Okita chuckled. "Mm…No one can order him around like that except Hijikata-san."

The two men fell silent, watching the cold wind pick on the bare branches of the cherry blossom trees. Okita softly smiled.

"Don't you think Hajime-kun resembles a dog?"

Sanno wondered if that was meant as a compliment. "A dog?"

"Mm, a cute little puppy who follows his master everywhere and does exactly what he wants. I've noticed that sometimes, Hajime-kun knows what Hijikata-san wants without Hijikata-san saying anything."

"Just like a dog, eh?"

Okita suddenly tensed. "Who's there? Show yourself!"

From around the corner, a young boy slowly appeared, clasping his hands in front of him and hardly daring to lift his eyes lest they read the fear lurking in their depths.

"Saburou!" Sanno recognized the new recruit. "What's the matter?"

"Sa-Sannosuke-san, may I speak to Hijikata-san?" he stuttered.

"Hijikata-san? Why?"

Saburou's crimson cheeks darkened and he tried to find his voice, but nothing came. Noticing the boy's fright and discomfort, Okita calmly replied, "He's in his room. You can see him if you want."

"_A-arigato!"_ Saburou bowed respectfully and took his leave. They watched him cross the courtyard and ask permission outside Hijikata's room. In a moment, the _kami-_door slid open, permitting him to enter.

"Who was that?" Okita wondered aloud, noting how beautiful the boy had been. He seemed too delicate to be in the Shinsengumi.

"A new recruit. I think he's in the 5th unit."

"Under Kanryuusai-san?"

Sanno nodded. They both despised the Captain deeply.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: A Surprising Secret

Hijikata carefully studied the trembling boy before him as Saburou told his story. It seemed the Captain of the fifth unit had explaining to do.

"And you are sure this is true?" Hijikata asked. "Raising your finger against a Captain is not an insignificant matter that will go unnoticed. If you're doing this out of spite-"

"Hijikata-san, if this is out of malice, you can order me to commit _seppuku_!"

Saito, who occupied the corner in his commander's room as usual, quietly observed, "It seems unreasonable why he would harass you as you said. There are plenty of brothels and whatnot around. But never mind that, Takeda-san knows the rules governing the Shinsengumi. Have you forgotten that homosexuality is forbidden?"

"Good point Saito," then turning to the boy, he asked, "Now what have you to say to that?"

Saburou clenched his fists, thinking hard. He had nothing to prove his innocence and with the way it stood now, he wondered if he could overcome Saito's sharp wit.

Reading his silence, Saito asked, "If Takeda-san were questioned, how do you think he will respond?"

"H-He might not be honest…I don't think…" Tears gathered in his eyes as he realized the absurdity of it all. Who was he, a mere foot soldier, to smolder the name of a long trusted Captain? Takeda was close to Kondo. If Saburou insisted with his claim, he could besmirch both their names and that was something he was sure Hijikata would not allow.

"I-I know you hardly believe me," he sobbed, "but how can I lie about such a thing? The things he did to me…It's embarrassing to admit them. There's no way I can live this down! If you can't help me-" he reached for his sword, "I-" But before he could draw it, Hijikata raised his hand.

"That's enough! I will look into this matter. You can go now, Saburou. For now, act as though this meeting never happened. We can't let word of this get out."

Relived, Saburou wiped his eyes and took his leave. He believed Hijikata would do him justice. The vice commander was known for his shrewdness and lawfulness. He had come to the right place.

"What he said, do you believe it?" Hijikata asked Saito as they made their way to dinner.

Saito chose his words carefully. "Something like this isn't hard to make up, but there might be some truth in it."

_So Saito suspects Takeda, _Hijikata thought. He knew his subordinate wasn't one to jump to any conclusions. "Saito, do you think you could-" but before Hijikata could finish his sentence, Saito nodded.

"If you want me to investigate further, I will do so."

Hijikata smiled. He never could get used to this telepathic connection. "I want you to infiltrate personally. We can't trust anyone else. Takeda is a manipulative bastard. He even has Kondo-san in his grip. Send someone to keep an eye on Saburou. If word leaks out, he'll be in danger."

Hijikata opened the _kami_-door to the room the Shinsengumi gathered to eat in and Saito was about to take his leave to carry out his task, when Hijikata deterred him.

"Saito, eat first. You haven't eaten since morning."

Meekly, Saito followed the vice commander inside and took his seat beside Okita. Silently, he picked up his chopsticks and nibbled on the rice as the Shinsengumi discussed the Aizu clan situation.

"Hijikata-san, did Saburou find his way to you?" Okita's sudden question startled Hijikata. "Don't look so surprised. He asked Sanno-san and I for directions, _ne?_"

Sanno nodded. He knew Okita was underhandedly trying to lure Hijikata to tell them what the meeting with Saburou was all about, but before the vice-commander could answer, Saito calmly replied, "The vice-captain is personally taking care of that matter. You needn't worry yourself over it."

Okita suppressed a scowl. "If it's a personal matter, I understand, but Saburou looked near tears."

"Saburou, Saburou…Where have I heard that name before?" Heisuke muttered, thinking hard.

Chizuru ventured to guess, "Saburou-kun? Is he the boy with blondish hair and foreign looks?"

"Ah! That's him!" Heisuke cried.

"He's a beauty isn't he?" Shinpachi sighed. "If only he were a woman…"

"Shinpachi-san, that's not possible!" Heisuke cried. "Saburou's a man, a _man _mind you!"

"Why're you getting so riled? I only suggested-_Ma, _if we continue down that line, _you _wouldn't look half as bad in a kimono-"

"Shinpachi-san!" and Heisuke swung a wild punch that Nagakura barely dodged.

"Now, now, calm down you too!" Sannan cried. "We're still at the table you know. You might spill the food."

The thought of wasting food immediately placated the two and with order presiding once more, the Shinsengumi returned to the matter at hand.

"Toushi, will you care to explain what this is all about?" Kondo asked, seeing how troubled the young Captain looked. "Perhaps we can be of help-"

But Toushirou shook his head. "It's a problem we can't solve until it's confirmed," he sighed. "I've asked Saito to look into it."

And with that, the matter was dropped. Kondo trusted Hijikata and since Hijikata placed most matters in Saito's hands, he decided to follow the vice commander's judgment and wait for the outcome. Souji, who wasn't the least bit satisfied, had no choice, but to be patient.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: Hijikata's Decision

"Yamazaki-kun, just for a minute…"

Yamazaki looked up to see the third squad Captain beckoning him inside Hijikata's room.

Laying down the sword he had been sharpening, Yamazaki at once followed Saito inside.

"Ah, Yamazaki, there's something I want you to do." Hijikata motioned for him to sit as Saitou slid shut the door.

"Kanryuusai Takeda, the 5th unit Captain. He's under suspicion of having a sexual relationship with a Shinsengumi recruit-"

"Saburou…was it?"

Hijikata was clearly surprised, but if Saito found it shocking that Yamazaki knew of him, he didn't show it.

"You have witnessed this illicit staging?" he asked.

Yamazaki nodded. "I followed the Captain to the Red Light District-"

"The brothel?"

"The men's brothel," Yamazaki corrected.

Hijikata sighed and pressed his forehead. "Why didn't you report this?"

Yamazaki was ready to defend himself, but Saito spoke before he could.

"Vice-Captain, Yamazaki-kun probably felt it's not his position. His word alone would not have been enough."

Hijikata realized his mistake and apologized sheepishly.

"That aside, now that we have Saburou as proof, I want you to keep an eye on him until Saito does his job."

Saito searched Hijikata's eyes and read the silent command: _Kill him._

As they exited Hijikata's room, Yamazaki turned to Saito.

"Saito-san, he leaves the quarters every night around midnight."

Saito nodded his thanks and went ahead to prepare. Yamazaki watched him go, knowing all too well what kind of jobs the young Captain was entrusted with.

Saito never showed any emotion. He took lives as easily as he breathed air, but this time, Yamazaki knew it was different.

This time, he was taking the life of a man who had once taught him how to breathe. This time, Yamazaki wondered if Saito's cold heart would tremble.

Saito waited patiently, his black clothing camouflaged in the darkness. He watched Takeda leave the quarters and head down the empty street. Like a shadow, Saito followed in his wake.

Takeda knew several discreet ways to the District like the back of his hand. He meandered through the ghost town, following sketchy alley ways and rounding corners. In his ecstasy, he hardly noticed when Saito snuck up behind him.

In a flash, Saito unsheathed his katana and struck flesh. Takeda had no idea what hit him.

Even before he hit the ground, he was dead. Saito stared into the lifeless eyes and the shocked mask.

There had been a time when those eyes had looked at him with a warmth Saito had only known twice in his sad life. He remembered how Takeda's eyes crinkled whenever he laughed and how his lips always curved into a grin when he saw him.

He lifted his katana, dripping with the man's blood. The blade had severed straight through the chest, striking the heart with one quick thrust.

Saito had slain many with his deadly left-handed thrust, but to think he would use it on the man who had been the first to witness Saito's swordsmanship almost made Saito smile at the irony. Almost…


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: A Warm Winter

The cold wind rippled through his hair as he made his way back. Hijikata would send Yamazaki to make quick work of the corpse soon.

Saito didn't want to be seen. He chose his way through the darkest alleys and snuck back to his room.

Before doing anything else, he washed the sword and cleaned it as thoroughly as he could. How many men had died at his blade, he wondered? How many more would he kill?

"Hajime-kun-"

Saito started.

"_Hoyah! _Did I scare you?" Okita asked as he stood in the doorway. "I thought you'd notice when I came."

Saito looked away. "Is there anything you need?"

"_Anything I need? _Do you know what time it is? You've skipped dinner for the second time in a row. You've had us worried, you know."

"Sorry, but I'm not hungry."

Okita scowled. "First Sannan-san and now you. We're not kids you know. I heard about it-about Saburou-"

"Who told you?"

"Hijikata-san…You killed Takeda-san?"

Saito chose not to answer. Sensing his discomfort, Okita nevertheless pressed on.

"So you were ordered to kill, but you could've refused if it was painful. He was nothing but a homo bastard anyways. It wasn't like you were doing him a favor by letting him live-"

"Souji!" Saito suddenly cried. "Read the situation and for once leave me alone!"

Okita blinked in surprise. He hadn't expected his teasing would incite such anger.

"Souji, you went too far."

They both started upon hearing Hijikata's voice.

"Hijikata-san! You heard?"

"Everything…Souji, go back and finish your dinner. There will be no more talk of Takeda. Do you understand?"

Okita frowned, but nodded in consent.

After making sure there were no more eavesdroppers, Hijikata closed the door and took a seat beside Saito.

They sat in silence, watching the moon rise and the wind bend the bare branches of the _sakura _trees. After a while, Saito confessed,

"He was…the first person to acknowledge me. I met Kondo-san through him. If it weren't for him, I…"

And Saito's voice broke as tears welled to eyes. He was the last person Hijikata assumed would ever cave in over such an insignificant death, but Saito was only human.

Circumstance had turned his heart hard as stone, yet Saito was a good man. Whenever he spoke, his blunt words were honest.

"Kondo-san told me," Hijikata said, not knowing how else to comfort Saito. He was bad when it came to emotions.

Perhaps for that very reason he found Saito's company welcoming.

"Saito-san?" Chizuru peered in.

"Chizuru!"

She hadn't expected to see Hijikata.

"Saito-san didn't come to dinner, so I brought it."

"Come inside," Hijikata said as Saito hastily wiped his eyes.

Chizuru closed the door with her foot and set down the tray beside Saito.

When Saito did not move, Chizuru said, "Saito-san, you should eat it before it gets cold."

Reluctantly, Saito took the tray in his lap and picked up the chopsticks.

Chizuru noticed as he turned that his eyes were red.

"_Uso! _Saito-san, have you been crying?" the words escaped her lips before she could catch her tongue.

"Chizuru!" Hijikata scolded.

Saito silently slurped the _udon, _but they saw the flush rising in his cheeks.

"I'm sorry!" Chizuru apologized. "But, is it really that wrong-to cry? I know the Bushido says a samurai can never show emotion, that he must carry his duty responsibly regardless of the circumstances, but Takeda-san was someone dear to you wasn't he? If Saito-san cries for him, it doesn't make Saito-san a lesser samurai, it only makes him more human, right?"

When Saito didn't respond, Chizuru wondered if she had said too much. She was about to apologize again when Saito quietly replied,

"_Arigato, _Yukimura."

A smile lit up Chizuru's face. As they sat silently gazing into the night, a light snow began to fall.

_The first snowfall of the year, _Chizuru thought and, as she turned to look at Saito, she saw his eyes soften.

_Saito-san…He is so kind. Despite what others think, he really is kind. _She mused.

Underneath that icy exterior, Chizuru knew beat a warm, human heart.

**The End**

Well, that's it for my first fan fic. If you enjoyed it, please feel free to review ^_^

I


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